The Duality Of Loss – I’m Still Here. Yet, I’m Not

I already knew you could hold two opposing ideas in your head at the same time, and they can both be true. But since my daughter died, this has taken a whole new level.

It’s really hard to feel – and accept – both things at the same time.

She was our gorgeous, vivacious daughter who was loud and full of life. Yet, she was also depressed, full of despair and suicidal thoughts.

She was smiling and full of plans for the future. Yet, she also wanted to die.

A year ago, we jet skied around Langkawi’s islands. She held me tight, I was terrified we’d fly off. Yet, the real enemy to be scared of was lurking in her brain.

I had no idea she was still suicidal and never believed she would kill herself. Yet, I know with hindsight that she told me in so many ways.

I know I love her with everything I have. Yet, I also know that I let her down in a way that I’ll never forgive myself for.

I want to be with her no matter what that means. Yet, I know I have to be the best mother I can be for my sons.

Our kids need us – for shelter, food, love and so much more. Yet, it’s only when you lose one that you realise just how much more you need them more than they’ll ever need you.

I have to celebrate Christmas. Santa has to come. Yet, there is nothing joyous about Christmas.

My heart is broken in a billion different ways. Yet, it keeps beating.

I want it to stop. Yet, I keep breathing. I keep finding a way through.

People tell me I’m strong. Yet, I feel no strength. I feel nothing but the cruelness of life while still being thankful for my boys.

I feel so much dark, never-ending despair. Yet, I also feel love. The most love I have ever felt. From my family, from strangers and from everyone in between.

I search for answers. Yet, nothing could make it better.

The duality of loss is both kind and cruel. Especially with suicide. Everything I thought I knew about life and how to live it has been ripped apart.

It’s only since this happened that I realised I subconciously thought that if you do everything right in life – you work hard, you do the right thing and you do your best to raise good humans – that good things will be returned.

Knowing now that it doesn’t matter what the f%$# you do, horrific things can happen, is horrific. It’s hard to try, it’s hard to live, it’s hard to find any point. Yet, some part of me keeps trying.

I’m still here. Yet, I’m not.

I have moments where I want to keep living, where I think I can find joy again. Yet, so many more where I wouldn’t mind if the world exploded.

I need you so much, Soraya.