When Your Family Doesn’t Care When Your Daughter Dies

“I’m their daughter so it’s different,” says my husband’s sister when explaining why her parents will love her unborn twins more than my kids.

She made this statement at my daughter, Soraya’s, 15^th birthday. But this isn’t a usual birthday. My daughter died three months before. We are gathered with family and friends to celebrate my darling girl. To help us through this impossibly hard day. At least that was the plan. My in-laws didn’t understand the memo. 

I look over at my 8 year old son who is dancing away his grief with my daughter’s friends. I look at my 13 year old son who is kicking a soccer ball by himself, trying to be ok after my husband’s brother, who promised to play soccer with him on this hard day, didn’t show up. I think about my gorgeous daughter and how much she would have loved having everyone together.

Why do they deserve less love from their grandparents and extended family because they are related by a son rather than a daughter?

My sister-in-law elaborates on how daughters are different. Like I don’t know the difference when I am the one who is grieving my only daughter. But I know that a daughter shouldn’t mean more love, more care than a son. Or that it’s ok for their extended family to not show up.

I’ve been a member of their family for 18 years. I soon realise it’s only me who thinks I am a member of their family.

My sister-in-law continues to talk about how her kids will get so much more time and care from her parents. They will be there all the time and not miss a birthday. She tells me that my feelings are not valid. That her parents showed up for my kids’ birthdays, school events and concerts and I must be misunderstanding.

I’m in shock. I can’t really process anything because it’s my daughter’s birthday, and she’s dead.  But my sister-in-law keeps trying to gaslight me.

I tell her this is the first birthday that any of them have attended for Soraya in years. I explain that I found an assignment of Soraya’s after she died that said her extended family don’t want to see her. That it’s not in my head. My kids are hurting. We are hurting. This is not ok.

I re-live the horrific night that Soraya died. The police arranged for my parents-in-law to come to our home so we weren’t alone, but they left as soon as the police did. We did that first, impossibly excruciating, night alone. My husband and I and our 8-year old.

But she keeps pushing. She’s right, I’m wrong. We don’t deserve the same love as her and her unborn babies. I excuse myself.

I’m dealing with grief. The loss of my beautiful baby girl. I know it’s hard for everyone. I move on from the conversation.

Then, nearly two months later, my parents-in-law confront my husband about how I upset his sister. Like I’m a force that needs to be stopped and only my husband can put me in my place.

After 18 years, three grandchildren and the loss of my daughter, I receive no grace, no care and no compassion. 

I’m not their family, and I don’t matter. Even in the worst moments of my life.

Does my sister-in-law not realise that she doesn’t need to do this? That she’s already won? Her twins are now born. She has a perfect daughter and son. She doesn’t need to attack me. My life will never be good. I’ll never be whole. And she has the granddaughter her parents want.

My in-laws didn’t show up to my son’s 9 year old birthday the next week. They show us where we stand. This is not unusual, but it hits us extra hard. My poor baby boy wonders what he can do so they will love him. 

My husband doesn’t stand up to them. He doesn’t want to believe how little they care and would rather let me cry alone into my daughter’s pillow than admit the truth.

They don’t consider our feelings or what we are going through. We might be related by DNA, but that is all.

Whether my sister-in-law is right or not, we aren’t part of the family.

I wrote this article in July 2025 about my daughter’s birthday in May. It’s now April 2026 and my parents-in-law still haven’t talked to me since this time (or my sons since September). My sister-in-law read this article 4.5 months ago and doesn’t talk to me or my sons since. She told my husband/her brother none of it is true…

They don’t understand how we are still sad that Soraya died. I don’t understand any of their reactions. I know we all grieve differently, but surely this isn’t ok.