I know enough about grief by now. From books, support groups and Instagram to understand the concept of primary loss. That is that my primary loss is losing my daughter. Secondary losses are everything I lost as a result of this – my only daughter, who I was, my family as it existed with Soraya and so much more.
But I don’t think it’s only grief where there is primary and secondary losses.
I think this is also the case with guilt.
One of the worst aspects of suicide loss is guilt. The fact that I lost my daughter in a way that is preventable can eat me alive if I let it.
Sadly, it’s not just that guilt but dealing with people who tell me not to feel guilty. It’s one of the statements that frustrates me the most since Soraya died.
Show me a parent who doesn’t feel guilt over some stupidly minor thing that their kid will never remember. I don’t think they exist. So if we can feel guilt over things that really don’t matter, of course I feel guilt that my 14 year old daughter died literally under my roof.
It sucks I even need to state that.
But while guilt is talked about a lot amongst suicide survivors, in my experience, it’s just one form of guilt. I’d call it the primary form of guilt. That we couldn’t save our loved one.
But, as with grief itself, I think there are many secondary forms of guilt.
I feel so guilty that I didn’t save my sons from having something so horrific happen in their lives when they were just 8 and 12 years old.
I feel so guilty that I’m not the mum I could have been. That I have days where all I want to do is cry and, while I do try my best for them, they are growing up in a fundamentally very sad household.
I feel guilt that I think about Soraya more than them. I feel guilt that this wasn’t the case when she was alive and prioritising her could have made a difference.
I feel guilt that if Soraya still exists somewhere, that she is all alone and I haven’t died too to be with her.
I even feel guilt that I’m writing these words and, some day, my boys may read them and I’ll make them feel worse.
It feels like the guilt is endless and all the reasons I feel guilt are endless too.
If I said all my guilt is about Soraya dying, it would be simplistic and doesn’t cover it all. Just like if I said that I grieve only her. While missing her is the biggest thing I grieve, I also grieve everything about my life that existed on the morning of 18 February 2025.
I feel such tremendous guilt about everything my sons endure because I didn’t save my daughter. And, while it’s not the same, it feels nearly as much as that I didn’t save Soraya.
Nothing about losing my beautiful Soraya, nothing about suicide, is simple.
