“What date are you having Soraya’s party? We want to have D’s on the 26th. We are inviting all the girls so Soraya is invited.”
I received this text about a month before my daughter, Soraya’s, 8th birthday. D was a girl in Soraya’s class of 16 kids in an inner north Melbourne private school whose birthday is a day after Soraya’s. I thought it was nice she was checking in, and I let her know this date was fine.
A couple of weeks later, the invites were handed out. All the girls were invited. Except Soraya.
Soraya came home upset. She liked D and really wanted to go to her party. I told her it must be a mistake as her mum told me she was invited. To be honest, I didn’t think much more about it that day since I believed what I said.
I was wrong.
Soraya asked for her invitation the next day. D told Soraya she wasn’t allowed to invite her and can’t invite anyone else. Soraya was devastated.
I wish I could say this was a one off occurrence that helped make my daughter a better person. But it wasn’t, and it didn’t.
I’ll never understand what possesses parents to be so cruel. This happened to Soraya often, and it seemed to become acceptable at that school to leave her, and our family, out.
I don’t understand why. She seemed to get along with everyone. She was fun, vivacious and kind. The first to check in on someone if they were having a bad day. She would write letters to all her classmates to tell them how great they were. She just wanted to be accepted.
If there is a common theme I see looking back at Soraya’s first four years at this small primary school, it’s that they wanted to diminish her. Remove her natural confidence, her bright star, her creativity and her kindness.
Soraya was someone who always stood out and not just because she was the tallest with bright red hair. She had an inner star that shone bright. She was noticed in every crowd. Everyone always knew who she was for the best reasons.
At the time, I loved this about her. It was only over time I realised what a huge negative impact this had on her. What should have been her best qualities, appreciated by those around her, turned into ones that lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and death.
The school system wants to burn out anything remarkable about our kids.
The teachers, the parents, the other kids want everyone to be the same. To not stand out. To blur in and be average.
My baby girl wanted to fit in so much. To be like everyone else. But she didn’t know how.
Soraya was never a naughty kid. She was a people pleaser. She wanted the teachers, kids and parents to like her and she tried hard. But it seemed to never be enough,
The next year, her twin best friends left the school and the exclusion she already felt became absolute. The other girls picked on her. Pushing her, kicking her, throwing her lunch in the mud and even biting her, leaving a huge mark that stayed for days.
The kids’ bad behaviour was backed up by the teachers and parents. If she tried to sit with other kids at lunch, the kids would tell the teacher and the teacher would tell Soraya off. This was in grade 3.
I think the school was relieved when we left. No one looked at their own behaviour and how they helped cause this. In fact, when I told the other parents why we were leaving, only one parent asked if their kid had been involved.
It should never have happened.
I wish I could go back in time. To fight for her more and have never allowed any of this behaviour to take root. Although I’m also not sure I could have made a difference. The system seems set up to break children like Soraya, and other parents don’t care as long as their kid isn’t the one excluded.
Before she started at this school, she was such a happy kid. She never returned to that. She learned that teachers and other adults won’t help her, that kids will treat her badly and she needs to put up with it.
We should stop being permissive of school environments that reinforce this behaviour and the parents that start it.
While blanket statements that kids learn bad behaviour from their parents isn’t helpful, the parents at this school did exclude our family well before the kids excluded Soraya.
We left the school when Soraya was nine, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of the behaviour. We live a couple of hundred metres from the school. Soraya would see these kids when she walked home from high school. They would make faces and yell out insults even five years later.
She did an after-school drama class last year with one kid from her old class who liked to tell her stories about what the other kids said about her and detail exactly how each kid hated her and why.
After my daughter died by suicide earlier this year at just 14, a couple of parents from that school reached out. It’s so hard not to scream that their kids and their behaviour are to blame. That they should be sorry and not just for my loss, but for the world’s loss, of a kind hearted, spirited kid who just wanted to help people.
It’s rare to come across a parent who isn’t worried about how their kid is fitting in at school and doesn’t have concerns. But how about we all set a good example and don’t exclude other peoples’ kids.
Not all schools are like this. I didn’t know better at our first primary school and put up with too much for too long. But thankfully, when we switched to our local public school, things were much improved.
But it was too late. Soraya had normalised the awful behaviour towards her and expected, and accepted, that in future.
Bullying and excluding kids is not ok. It’s not ok when your kid is made to feel like nothing. It’s not ok to let other kids feel like nothing.
It’s so hard for the average parent to have much control over what happens to our kids at school. But at the very least, we can model good behaviour for our kids.
Don’t leave out other kids, don’t say mean things about them, don’t be complicit in exclusion and bullying.
It’s really not that hard.
My heart breaks for you, Sharon, it truly does. I have just read all of your posts on here with tears in my eyes and fear for my child and so many other children. Suicide is becoming far too ‘normal’ and that is truly scary. What’s worse is that people can’t seem to instil the understanding in their own children just how awful it is to bully others. If they could live one day in the bullied child’s shoes, I’m sure they would be kinder. It’s rare to come across anyone who isn’t bullied or isn’t the bully (I sadly was the bullied child). I never really thought about how it changes you for the rest of your life. But it does, terribly so. Luckily, suicide was never even something I knew about. In fact, I have a constant fear of dying, especially now that I’m a parent. I worry constantly about whether my child is liked and hope he is never bullied. But I have to be realistic. His school is amazing and takes a very hard stance on bullying. Children will be expelled if they bully others. I’ve not heard of examples of this or heard of other children being bullied, so I live in hope that this is the case. I am so so sorry for your loss. It’s so sad to hear how much you are tearing yourself up over the loss of your beautiful daughter. I’d be the same, though! Love and strength to you. Suzy x
That’s great that your school takes it as seriously as it should be taken. Thanks for your comment <3
Hi Sharon, you don’t know me in person but you were my inspiration and strength as I guided through the world of travel blogging at the very beginning. Also a Melbourne resident, born and bred I too hated school as I never fit in or found my people. I used to wonder why so many in my year have all stayed friends and caught up often, shared holidays together yet I missed out on all that and never knew why. Maybe it was the shy girl in me who hid in the toilets as couldn’t face a lunchtime alone, and longed to stay home as literally did not want to face school. I was always made to go. Why me, I am a nice person, always treat people with respect, hard working loyal.. I never could understand why I missed out on longterm school friendships others embraced and shared.
30 years on, I just had my high school reunion and I wasn’t going to go as I didn’t want to see anyone there but I told myself to go as I would regret not going more. I am not that girl hiding in the toilets anymore. So I went… and I had the greatest night ever!
All those high school memories are still there but the people who were “bullies” have grown up. I didn’t lie.. I said how I disliked school which came as a shock to many but since that night I have reached out to a friend from 30 years ago and heard her story which was somewhat similar. But we are back in touch now which was the biggest highlight of the night and would not have happened had I hid at home.
My story can’t bring back your daughter but bullying is a huge problem, and is a million times worse with social media. I hope this blog in memory of your daughter can send that message and drive change. High school and bullying stays with you forever, yes you make new friends and move on but nothing can take away those sad times and the loss that comes with it.
Thinking of you and your family. Katherine x
Thanks Katherine. Your words mean a lot.
I went to my 30 year high school reunion in tassie last year actually! I only went to that school for one year (grade 10 as that’s end of high school there) and it felt kind of weird to go when I wasn’t really part of the school and it’s crazy hard changing schools at that age. Like you, I had so much fun though. There is something nice about being round people who knew a different side to you.
My heart aches for you. Both of my boys were bullied, it’s hard as a parent to understand why it is allowed. The oldest was bullied at a private “Christian school” because he was very tall, slim and smart. When we pulled him out they didn’t understand why, even though we had complained. Youngest was bullied in public school because he danced and played the oboe. We complained to the principal and teachers and it still happened. Then he was bullied at the private, different “Christian school” that we sent him too. At this school he did have some teacher support but we still pulled him out. They both stood up for themselves when they had had enough and they were the ones who were punished. I don’t understand why it was allowed in any of these schools.
One of them threatened suicide at college, thankfully a caring adult at the church we attended at the time saw the message and we were notified. He was able to receive counseling and it did help. For years the feeling that it could happen at anytime never really went away. I never understood the depths of his pain. It took a lot of late night, back porch, etc talks and adults who believed in him to hopefully put those feelings at bay in his mind. My boys are older now, the oldest all of it took place before social media, the youngest social media was just getting started. In a way it saved him though because that’s how we found out. But, to this day many years later after he got off SM he still is off it. I can’t even imagine how much worse the bullying is these days with so many kids using it. My heart aches for you and your family.
Thanks Ann <3
I think many teachers and principals are good at ignoring problems. I was a high school teacher and it is a bloody hard job. But keeping kids safe should always be #1 focus.
I feel so sad for you. Yet I admire you for your strength. How painful it must be to even share your story. Also, I think I know what school you are taking about and we are currently in the process of enroling our daughther at that very school for a short time. We will be watching closely.
From your email address, it seems you may be enrolling at the same school. I would avoid at all costs. While the bilingual program was amazing, the rest was horrific. From what I hear, not much has changed. My daughter was bilinigual when she died thanks to this school but what does that matter? My son was also physically hurt most days at that school and we are still dealing with how that has affected his mental health 6 years later as well.
So sorry for what you’re going through. For other parents struggling with bullying – in these situations, I’ve heard of positive outcomes if the parents are all willing to sit the children down and discuss everything openly. Often kids bully children who they don’t really know as a person or have some wrong perceived idea of them. I was severely bullied in primary school and the main leader of it all didn’t really know me, after primary school finished for the first time ever in the summer holidays she spent some time with me. After that she realised, I wasn’t the person she thought I was and apologised for her behaviour towards me. The other kids joined in during primary school as she was the ringleader and used to tell them they weren’t allowed to play with me. In my adult years, one woman even apologised for it also but at the time it was horrendous. The earliest form of bullying started in reception (1st year of Juniors) by a teacher herself, I’ve later been diagnosed with ADHD but it’s still no excuse for a grown woman to humiliate a 5 year old. I think these schools know their teachers are part of the behaviour and that’s why they don’t want to look deeper. I severely dislike the school system and will homeschool my daughter if they aren’t prepared to accept individuality. Thankfully I live in a country where school starts later but I must admit, I worry a lot because I know from myself, once that damage is done, it’s very hard to reverse it.